ads, attention, cringe, perception, AGH!

sunday, feb 28 2022, 02:01

gavins bed @ g's aunt's place in altadena

dude my mind is just on like high fuckin alert rn. im having hella trouble relaxing tbh.

i just started my first ever tiktok ad, and it got pretty bad reception right off the bat lmao. like the first five comments were basically just that i was bad at music (and one dude who wanted feet pix, not the place dude).

im kind of ashamed to admit that it got to me tho. like i feel like a less good musician now because of those comments. i found myself feeling less worthy of other peoples attention. i caught myself thinking my song got magically way fucking worse. i found myself imaginging all the ways in which my art was cringey and shitty just because a few people on the internet gave me negative feedback.

heres the ad:


i wrote this song about this platform that you are seeing this video on now lol

♬ original sound - guesst

i also just straight up dont like the way i look in it, but that got way worse as soon as i started getting negative feedback too.

like DAMN i am so invested in other peoples opinion of me its absurd. this has been a ridiculously powerful lesson in letting go of what strangers think of me. so fuckin what if i am cringey? i would rather be cringey than spend my whole life wishing i would have tried, and never knowing what i could have accomplished.

a while back i saw this ted talk on attention, and the speaker said something that i really resonated with and have thought about many times when i am feeling caught up in my own self image and addiction to attention (paraphrased):

"putting my efforts into recieving attention only ever yeilded me anxiety. placing my efforts into paying attention has yeileded me some of the most beautiful moments of my life. no amount of attention i am given can ever satiate my need for more, but when i give my attention, i find myself happier and more engaged then ever."

^^ def a paraphrase i didn't watch the video again just for the quote, but you get the jist.

so anyway to get my mind off these ads i decided to make a new ad (which tbh is more or less just a tiktok video that i slap a link on and pay money for views). EVEN the act of making a new piece of creative was engaging enough that i kind of forgot momentarily that the world saw me as a shmuck. i love that, its so powerful -- the notion that all one must do to stop feeling like shit (particularly as it relates to social media fomo/comparison/self-loathing) is make some art! really truly make some art. make something, anything. DO anything. move your body, have a conversation, make some tea -- do SOMETHING to occupy your mind completely.

fuck the world, all you need is something to fixate on.

i am grateful i came across that ted talk, and im so so grateful i have been able to implement these strategies in my life when im starting to feel morbidly addicted to my own downfall and curated self image. i wasn't able to more completely let go of my feelings of inadequacy until i started writing this blog post (lmao, make ANYTHING), but even the fact that i knew what to do and did it and saw positive mental health results makes me feel like i am becoming a person i want to be. so if u don't like my new song, thats fine. i bet thats true of hella people. but i like it. and i gotta show it to the whole world to figure out who else likes it too. so thanks for the comment, it boosts my reach.

in other news, i updated my playlists again :)

and also im just proud of myself for sticking to the things i wanted to do for myself and my music projects. im proud that im putting myself out there cause its fuckin HARD and theres so much preparation required. these playlists take FOREVER to update and making ad creatives is EXHAUSTING.

Alter. said something to me yesterday that i really loved: don't invest energy in platforms you do not believe in.

im not entirely sure i feel good about tiktok yet, but i know i feel amazing about youtube. and i feel mid-good about spotify. but if you look at my resource allocation, im putting a lot of effort into spotify and tiktok, and barely any into youtube. its time i flip that balance and start actually putting effort into the platform i feel most strongly about being a positive influence on peoples lives. hopefully me writing this declaration here will help future wil decide to make more youtube content :)

ooooh!! couple more things

i got a tattoo of a usb symbol, and yes im a nerd and yes i love myself for it thank u v much

and also this morning i recorded a livestream on youtube and accidentally wrote a whole song lol

ok that feels like enough writing for today. thank you diary for getting my mind off of how dumb i look and instead making me feel smart and cool and interesting :)